Youve spent SO much time (10months) pleasing someone. Hoping and praying that everything goes according to your plan.
Yet youve found out that actually you're wasting your time (10months).
"Oh well", you told yourself, "everyday is a new chance for something new". Then ended up you hurt yourself again.
You thought you were the best he could ever find, you said that you were his best and nobody is gonna replace you. Well look, he dont even care. He don't care how much you've put in into this friendship and you feel like giving up. "Perhaps giving up is your only choice", there you go ignoring him, ignoring his presence, pretend not to care,  PRETEND that everything's fine.
Until one day he apologised, he found out that how much youve done for him. (REALLY?! U SURE?)
Oh then here comes the heartache and drama and crying and "oh Im so touched".
Ok then your friendship's back. First day everything is perfect. Far from perfect.
How about second day?! Oh you know what.....second day he ignored you. He forgot what he promised. He thought "oh finally these drama has come to an end, okay that's good enough".
For four days straight you were the one taking the initiative to talk, to start the conversation. Who knows? It took so damn long for one reply.
Then you said: "its okay"
"Its okay."
"Its okay."
"Its okay."
"Its okay."
...
Its never OKAY everytime when there's a "its okay."
You felt useless.
You think that nobody cares.
You wanna give up.
You dont see the point of giving in anymore.
Its too hurtful.
There wont be any ending.
Either I end it or you end it.
Tell me why label me as xxx?
Tell me why bother even label me as xxx when you dont even care about how much effort I put in.
I SERIOUSLY dont wanna talk about what GFF, FOREVER LA, "I WILL BE YOUR LISTENING EAR", "YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND TO ME AND I CANT BE ANY HAPPIER".
You know what, im tired. Really tired of putting in when I get nothing in return. REALLY.
I dont care how you gonna fix this.
No really. At least be thankful?!
There's just too many reasons why I hate you but the innocent side always neutralize the hate. How did it even happen.
Id lied. I lied saying that things had faded away, those were the days that I failed hiding emotions everytime youre there.
But you see, frienship/ relationships isnt balanced if one is plainly a receiver and another one is plainly a giver.

Really. I cant fix you. And your problems. And I know I gave you promises too. Im afraid that I need to tell you the truth is that youre pulling me down. How about you try giving giving giving giving giving giving giving giving giving and giving....................
Until you have nothing to give?

One day before judgement day

Who knows what you know? Who knows what you dont? I dont even know what youre thinking and hiding.
Must be prepared to answer questions that may be unexpected. Of course Im scared that you already know the truth. That might me one of my breaking point in which I will be losing a friend again.
Regretted make permanent decisions with temporary feelings but I just cant help it. I thought we could still be happy like what we've been through. Memories keep haunting and I really regret. Then back to the conclusion that ive made during the past weekends, its so true that for either ways im hurting myself but this way is not as hurtful as the other way although the other way has its own advantages which are very heart warming. 
Where did gff go?
Where did the trust go?
Maybe one day u think about the possibilities that we might have.....then youve missed out too much.
Guessed what she gave you is what I cant give you. Im having the mindset that you two will be together one day. Possible.
Wanna hate you so badly...

I dont know what ive done.  Ive problably ruined the whole thing. Whole friendship. I am sorry to bring this matter up. Im selfish to drag you down as it doesnt even affect you in the end. Its all about my selfish acts which makes me dont know how to face you again.  I still miss you. I still have feelings and im still jealous. Why did it even affect you so much in the first place that makes you wanna talk to me. I mean, ok maybe its a little too obvious that im avoiding but guessed it was my only choice back then. Thinking too much is a bad thing abd making permanent decsions with temporary feelings doesnt only hurt yourself but also hurting another party. I don't know how to face you now even though you tried to talk to me. How should I react? What if it came back again?  What if you ask that specific question which I have not come to a conclusion? What if......
Sorry if it adds to your burden, like again. I tried to stop myself from talking to you because I need to save myself. Im scared of friday.

Nobody

2:12am Sunday
Felt so much
Lost everything
Lost the battle
Lost the person
Lost the relationship
Lost myself
Where am I?!
Who am I?!
What am I?!
I know it's not worth it but I'll still try
Maybe it won't work out at the end
Maybe I'm just thinking way too much
Maybe it was just coincidental
Oh god....I ruined everything
By me
Myself
Someone help me?
Felt like a complete lost soul finding the way "home"
Is everything gonna be the same as before?
Really?!
Really?!
Really?!
Really?!
I don't know I am so confused.
So angry and sad....
2:17 crying to sleep

Two.

Two questions to ask you. I am on my way on giving up, please do not interrupt my performance. Please do not come back as and when you like cause this isn't a place for you. This is just a wall. Well I guessed we didn't really moved on. We're still good. Better that ever. Not as close as I thought.
But how I wish what I've imagined came true. It's hard to swallow the truth that you are surrounded by so many yet I'm just the only one. Guessed that dream that day is trying to tell me that I'm all alone. However, the ending was I got you. So tell me, isn't it very ironic?
What if the truth is we both didn't know about the truth...
That will be so funny.
I guess
I am
Just a
Replacement.

Dont see the meaning behind it anymore

Yes I still laugh. Yes I still cry. Yes I am still me. But did you notice the slightest change? I bet you didn't.
I don't see the objective of me being there anymore. Everything I did was just to catch you when you fall. What if I say today I just don't wanna save you again...
You'll never know that it's tiring to push away things just for you..they will be like "oh you're not free again? Well ok never mind." for not just once, but a lot of times.
I guessed its tiring....when the original reason behind what I've done is no longer valid anymore. Maybe.
Guessed I sacrificed the wrong thing from the start. Now what is left hanging? Feelings. They don't know where to go.
Yes I still have feelings...I will feel guilty too. I am still a human. I am what you guys are talking about.
Shouldn't I have the rights to know what's going on behind me but about me cos' it's related to me?!

Saving you is not my job actually.

What is it that I don't know.

Is it insecure or is it overthinking? I have already figured out who not to trust....or maybe who I should avoid. I know by "don't trust those who lie and dont lie to those that trusted you".
Bitch please you're so disgusting.
Even though I have my "escape button" it was just for a while.....ok at least I have them. Sometimes some things just can't say.
Second week of school is like...I felt so worthless. Someone? Thank me for what I've always do?! No? :(
Okay.....
Maybe ignorance is not the right way
Maybe be myself is a better way
Nothing seems to feel right right now
But I know everything will be fine
Nobody can help me go through this
But it'll be better day by day
Sometimes we need to let go
To see what's worth more of our time
Letting go is not as easy as you think
But I'll try my best
Each day same drama
Different episodes same shit
No I'm not complaining
But why is she so irritating?
The easiest thing is the hardest to teach
Seems like everyone have their own weakness
Understanding is hard
I know who I can't trust
There's so much you can take
So many people are there for you
Does it even matter if one is out
I don't think it will work
You just wanna the fame
But nothing seems to be the same
We are further than what you think
Kind of worthless now
Still sacrificing?
Will you regret...
History is haunting me
C'mon let me cry
Don't do good anymore
It hurts when you care
It hurts when you don't
Maybe they are better
I was right

What are you hiding?