I dont know what ive done.  Ive problably ruined the whole thing. Whole friendship. I am sorry to bring this matter up. Im selfish to drag you down as it doesnt even affect you in the end. Its all about my selfish acts which makes me dont know how to face you again.  I still miss you. I still have feelings and im still jealous. Why did it even affect you so much in the first place that makes you wanna talk to me. I mean, ok maybe its a little too obvious that im avoiding but guessed it was my only choice back then. Thinking too much is a bad thing abd making permanent decsions with temporary feelings doesnt only hurt yourself but also hurting another party. I don't know how to face you now even though you tried to talk to me. How should I react? What if it came back again?  What if you ask that specific question which I have not come to a conclusion? What if......
Sorry if it adds to your burden, like again. I tried to stop myself from talking to you because I need to save myself. Im scared of friday.

Nobody

2:12am Sunday
Felt so much
Lost everything
Lost the battle
Lost the person
Lost the relationship
Lost myself
Where am I?!
Who am I?!
What am I?!
I know it's not worth it but I'll still try
Maybe it won't work out at the end
Maybe I'm just thinking way too much
Maybe it was just coincidental
Oh god....I ruined everything
By me
Myself
Someone help me?
Felt like a complete lost soul finding the way "home"
Is everything gonna be the same as before?
Really?!
Really?!
Really?!
Really?!
I don't know I am so confused.
So angry and sad....
2:17 crying to sleep

Two.

Two questions to ask you. I am on my way on giving up, please do not interrupt my performance. Please do not come back as and when you like cause this isn't a place for you. This is just a wall. Well I guessed we didn't really moved on. We're still good. Better that ever. Not as close as I thought.
But how I wish what I've imagined came true. It's hard to swallow the truth that you are surrounded by so many yet I'm just the only one. Guessed that dream that day is trying to tell me that I'm all alone. However, the ending was I got you. So tell me, isn't it very ironic?
What if the truth is we both didn't know about the truth...
That will be so funny.
I guess
I am
Just a
Replacement.

Dont see the meaning behind it anymore

Yes I still laugh. Yes I still cry. Yes I am still me. But did you notice the slightest change? I bet you didn't.
I don't see the objective of me being there anymore. Everything I did was just to catch you when you fall. What if I say today I just don't wanna save you again...
You'll never know that it's tiring to push away things just for you..they will be like "oh you're not free again? Well ok never mind." for not just once, but a lot of times.
I guessed its tiring....when the original reason behind what I've done is no longer valid anymore. Maybe.
Guessed I sacrificed the wrong thing from the start. Now what is left hanging? Feelings. They don't know where to go.
Yes I still have feelings...I will feel guilty too. I am still a human. I am what you guys are talking about.
Shouldn't I have the rights to know what's going on behind me but about me cos' it's related to me?!

Saving you is not my job actually.

What is it that I don't know.

Is it insecure or is it overthinking? I have already figured out who not to trust....or maybe who I should avoid. I know by "don't trust those who lie and dont lie to those that trusted you".
Bitch please you're so disgusting.
Even though I have my "escape button" it was just for a while.....ok at least I have them. Sometimes some things just can't say.
Second week of school is like...I felt so worthless. Someone? Thank me for what I've always do?! No? :(
Okay.....
Maybe ignorance is not the right way
Maybe be myself is a better way
Nothing seems to feel right right now
But I know everything will be fine
Nobody can help me go through this
But it'll be better day by day
Sometimes we need to let go
To see what's worth more of our time
Letting go is not as easy as you think
But I'll try my best
Each day same drama
Different episodes same shit
No I'm not complaining
But why is she so irritating?
The easiest thing is the hardest to teach
Seems like everyone have their own weakness
Understanding is hard
I know who I can't trust
There's so much you can take
So many people are there for you
Does it even matter if one is out
I don't think it will work
You just wanna the fame
But nothing seems to be the same
We are further than what you think
Kind of worthless now
Still sacrificing?
Will you regret...
History is haunting me
C'mon let me cry
Don't do good anymore
It hurts when you care
It hurts when you don't
Maybe they are better
I was right

What are you hiding?

People

I dont understand people. Understand them. It's hard. I know that I don't know and I won't know what they have been through. Thats why it's hard to understand them. Some may think that by listening, you will understand. But in the end, you don't. Ya, you don't. That must be the reason why I can't understand you. We need time.
You see, some secrets or feelings they only share with someone comfortable. Then you feel like helping but that person denies that he's feeling down. I mean, I want to know what happened when you're feeling down, why can't you just tell me?
Ok well, maybe you don't trust me......or maybe I get this whole thing wrong.
I asked you to chat with her because I know, from my point of view, you're the closest to her.
So please help her cos I can't, I never can.
It breaks my heart to see someone who's acting strong but breaking into pieces deep inside.
I want them to be happy. I want everybody to be happy. Or..only to those who deserve to be happy, to be happy.

Understanding me is another thing. It's hard understanding me. I don't say what I feel easily. I don't have closest friend/s since primary school. Maybe Im born with the disability to keep the friendship long.
I don't know if people are planning to leave me already until now...but I wanna say that I did enjoyed those moments with you till now. The end of 2012. Eradicate those bad memories, everything's good.
Once, I had a best friend...but she left. It hurts. Really. Hurts badly. There's a scar. People dont know how little actions/things/words hurts the most. So they took it very lightly. Very lightly till the extent that nobody even notice what had happened. Is there even a change or a slight difference between you both?  That was one year ago.

Maybe that person whom you thought can be really happy very easily won't have negative thoughts inside.....but you're wrong.
Thought of it and this is how I explain. Cos the bigger the negative number, after a modulus, you'll get a big positive number.
So if it is on a number line, and at 0, there's a mirror, the further you go to the right, the further you appear in the mirror...which means the further you'll be at the left if right is happy and left is sad. The happier you are, the more you cry because of sadness.
They say "the person who appears the happiest everytime hides the most pain inside" it might be true.

Idky but these few days keep dreaming of you. I should stop, right?
I should give up right?
Cos they say "if you love someone you should let him/her go"
But....I need to know whether you have feelings for me. If don't have, I will let you go, to find your happiness. :)

thinking a lot within forty minutes without earpiece on the way home

What's new? Indeed i got used to your two sided face.
I SAW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. SAW.
bitch pleasseeeeeee. what am i to you seriously?
I am, AM, so good to you. What you want from me?
Am I, not good enough for you?
Am I, considered a 'bad person' for you?
Am I?
I don't know why, but the last forty minutes seems so much longer than the usual 40 minutes..maybe its because of the no-earpiece-ride-home-and-its-from-Orchard-to-my-house journey, or is it?!
Not yet bursting out but this can't continue.
I;m still very thankful for what I have.
Thought of this: "You're so busy picking up stars, and did not realize that the ground is shattering"
The truth is, I am not the best person in the world and i won't call myself that either.
What makes you think that you can break me so easily without even lifting your fingers?
Who are you to break me when I myself can't even break myself? I can't even imagine...
Writing out feels much better, keep it all inside my head will bring nothing but nightmares.
Nonetheless I have to say that they are all trapping me inside a box, which my existence doesn't really matter.
Sometimes when dramas start to act up, what I want (at least), is to have an escape button.
I don't exactly know when I need it, but when I need it, I really meant it. It is when everything starts to shatter and I need to mend those pieces together again.......I need my escape button.
What I want is to change someone's life, and make someone feel better ever since he/she know me.
Now I know why I can't seem to solve "your problems", because a listener doesn't even do anything....they only listen. Go in from left ear and out from the right. Great.
That's probably why I don't have the habit of telling anyone my problems, I rather keep them to myself.
Back to the timeline, probably the 36th minute at the bridge, I thought about myself.
I think I'm just a scaredy cat, like what you've thought too, cos' I don't face my problems, i let them go (for this instance). And when it comes again, I write again. You may think that its just plainly stupid but this is how I do.
Sometimes I'm amazed of my capability of pretending. Nobody knows what's hurting inside.
I'm just that good at acting.
So i saw this tweet "I wonder which is more pathetic; people who spread rumours or people who believe in rumours." Both are equally stupid.
Those who spread rumours are those who are jealous of you; jealous of your fame, jealous of your everything, whatever they don't have, they want it from you.
"Go find one yourself la!" You think it came so easy like oxygen in the atmosphere?!
Another tweet which goes "Don't you feel lonely sometime? Like (there) is someone who is suppose to be there, isn't there"
Yeah true that. You said you'll be there.....but EXACTLY HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU SAID THIS TO?
You care for the one that you have feelings for BUT do you care for those who have your back, save you when you're LITERALLY drowning and/or already HALF DYING?!
You don't need to explain.
Sorry I'm just like this.
I guess I'm not the one who've lost you, you are the one that lost me..
I need some time to think again. Never, ever trust these people.