Holidays

Feelings...what are they trying to say? Sometimes brain and heart doesnt seem to cooperate. Brain said "You should let go" "ok I will, starting from today!" < how confident was I.
Then when dreams or memories starts to haunt me, heart: "just give it one more try. Believing is free"
I need some time.
But I still believe.

Letting go may not be at a loss, ot may be a chance for you see the wonderful world outside. Dont be trapped.

But I know, my worst enemy is myself.

But I found someone whom I can talk to anytime I want. This is the frienship I wanred the most. I hope u stay. :')

Fix it or leave it

So holidays are here. Best time evaaaaa
Around one and a half months im not gonna see you. I think there are pros and cons to it.
If I would to think of the brighter side, maybe this is the time that I can find back myself and be originally who I am.
4 months, I felt too much.
There is the
1) dont know who to trust
2) jealous for nothing
3) sweet moments
4) late night calls/texts/webcam
5) found out that actually the one who is holding a gun is right beside you
6) fear to accept the truth
7) touching moments and 17th birthday
8) thankful to have *overall* a great bunch of friends around
9) didnt meant to hurt those who are innocent
10) realised that, really, 勉强是没有幸福的
11) fell to easily
12) stressful work
13) Study sunday(s)
14) found my motivation(which might be gone soon)
15) realized that being happy is very easy, but some just tried too hard..

I am very sure that im gonna avoid taking the initiative again. Cos IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER isnt? For four times, all late replies. YOU ARE THAT BUSY UH?
ok forget it.
Dont wanna talk about how sad this could be cos in the end im only poking a hole in my heart which needs 100% care before it shatters again.

Starting April it will be a tough fight, between me and studies. Dont even know  how did I do for the recent exams but I have a strong feeling that it wont be like what ive expected.  Reason? You.

Ive read about horoscope and it says that people who are your sign are stubborn at times, where you know its impossible but ypu still wanna hold on. Lemme tell you, it hurts.
The truth hurts.

Why are you going to please someone that you know is gonna hurt you, soon?
Okay shouldnt talk about this anymore.

ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

Ok to conclude, life might be as fun as it seems but look at how much effort you need to put in before everything's fine, settled down etc. It takes time.

I might need some time to get over it, and not to let it affect my studies anymore.

Youve spent SO much time (10months) pleasing someone. Hoping and praying that everything goes according to your plan.
Yet youve found out that actually you're wasting your time (10months).
"Oh well", you told yourself, "everyday is a new chance for something new". Then ended up you hurt yourself again.
You thought you were the best he could ever find, you said that you were his best and nobody is gonna replace you. Well look, he dont even care. He don't care how much you've put in into this friendship and you feel like giving up. "Perhaps giving up is your only choice", there you go ignoring him, ignoring his presence, pretend not to care,  PRETEND that everything's fine.
Until one day he apologised, he found out that how much youve done for him. (REALLY?! U SURE?)
Oh then here comes the heartache and drama and crying and "oh Im so touched".
Ok then your friendship's back. First day everything is perfect. Far from perfect.
How about second day?! Oh you know what.....second day he ignored you. He forgot what he promised. He thought "oh finally these drama has come to an end, okay that's good enough".
For four days straight you were the one taking the initiative to talk, to start the conversation. Who knows? It took so damn long for one reply.
Then you said: "its okay"
"Its okay."
"Its okay."
"Its okay."
"Its okay."
...
Its never OKAY everytime when there's a "its okay."
You felt useless.
You think that nobody cares.
You wanna give up.
You dont see the point of giving in anymore.
Its too hurtful.
There wont be any ending.
Either I end it or you end it.
Tell me why label me as xxx?
Tell me why bother even label me as xxx when you dont even care about how much effort I put in.
I SERIOUSLY dont wanna talk about what GFF, FOREVER LA, "I WILL BE YOUR LISTENING EAR", "YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND TO ME AND I CANT BE ANY HAPPIER".
You know what, im tired. Really tired of putting in when I get nothing in return. REALLY.
I dont care how you gonna fix this.
No really. At least be thankful?!
There's just too many reasons why I hate you but the innocent side always neutralize the hate. How did it even happen.
Id lied. I lied saying that things had faded away, those were the days that I failed hiding emotions everytime youre there.
But you see, frienship/ relationships isnt balanced if one is plainly a receiver and another one is plainly a giver.

Really. I cant fix you. And your problems. And I know I gave you promises too. Im afraid that I need to tell you the truth is that youre pulling me down. How about you try giving giving giving giving giving giving giving giving giving and giving....................
Until you have nothing to give?

One day before judgement day

Who knows what you know? Who knows what you dont? I dont even know what youre thinking and hiding.
Must be prepared to answer questions that may be unexpected. Of course Im scared that you already know the truth. That might me one of my breaking point in which I will be losing a friend again.
Regretted make permanent decisions with temporary feelings but I just cant help it. I thought we could still be happy like what we've been through. Memories keep haunting and I really regret. Then back to the conclusion that ive made during the past weekends, its so true that for either ways im hurting myself but this way is not as hurtful as the other way although the other way has its own advantages which are very heart warming. 
Where did gff go?
Where did the trust go?
Maybe one day u think about the possibilities that we might have.....then youve missed out too much.
Guessed what she gave you is what I cant give you. Im having the mindset that you two will be together one day. Possible.
Wanna hate you so badly...

I dont know what ive done.  Ive problably ruined the whole thing. Whole friendship. I am sorry to bring this matter up. Im selfish to drag you down as it doesnt even affect you in the end. Its all about my selfish acts which makes me dont know how to face you again.  I still miss you. I still have feelings and im still jealous. Why did it even affect you so much in the first place that makes you wanna talk to me. I mean, ok maybe its a little too obvious that im avoiding but guessed it was my only choice back then. Thinking too much is a bad thing abd making permanent decsions with temporary feelings doesnt only hurt yourself but also hurting another party. I don't know how to face you now even though you tried to talk to me. How should I react? What if it came back again?  What if you ask that specific question which I have not come to a conclusion? What if......
Sorry if it adds to your burden, like again. I tried to stop myself from talking to you because I need to save myself. Im scared of friday.

Nobody

2:12am Sunday
Felt so much
Lost everything
Lost the battle
Lost the person
Lost the relationship
Lost myself
Where am I?!
Who am I?!
What am I?!
I know it's not worth it but I'll still try
Maybe it won't work out at the end
Maybe I'm just thinking way too much
Maybe it was just coincidental
Oh god....I ruined everything
By me
Myself
Someone help me?
Felt like a complete lost soul finding the way "home"
Is everything gonna be the same as before?
Really?!
Really?!
Really?!
Really?!
I don't know I am so confused.
So angry and sad....
2:17 crying to sleep

Two.

Two questions to ask you. I am on my way on giving up, please do not interrupt my performance. Please do not come back as and when you like cause this isn't a place for you. This is just a wall. Well I guessed we didn't really moved on. We're still good. Better that ever. Not as close as I thought.
But how I wish what I've imagined came true. It's hard to swallow the truth that you are surrounded by so many yet I'm just the only one. Guessed that dream that day is trying to tell me that I'm all alone. However, the ending was I got you. So tell me, isn't it very ironic?
What if the truth is we both didn't know about the truth...
That will be so funny.
I guess
I am
Just a
Replacement.